Cell Block Tango
by Ninja School Dropout
Summary: A parody of the Cell Block Tango from Chicago the Musical.
1. POP

**A/N: I'm sick… It's one AM. I have water… It tastes like scrap. I also have strawberry whipped yogurt… It tastes like strawberry whipped yogurt… Wait… aftertaste.. It tastes like scrap… **

* * *

Chromia walked into her unit, still on her last nerve. Maybe Ironhide actually decided to do what she asked today. She stepped through the hallway, and glared at the couch. There he lay.

Ironhide was sprawled over the couch with a cube of highgrade in her servo. The television projector was flickering as the images of an old detective show danced across the air. The worst of all. He was chewing that slagging gum.

If Chromia had to count how many times she wanted to walk up to Ironhide's prized blaster that hung from the wall, and just shoot the scrap out of something, she would be in millions.

_Pop!_

Chromia grinded her denta. That disgusting, Detestable, repugnant sound. It was chewing gum. Not popping gum. "Did you do anything I asked?" Annoyance was clear in her voice.

Ironhide glanced over the edge of couch wearily. "What did you ask?"

"I left a slagging list. If you're not going to go out and find some clients, the least you can do is help around the unit while I'm working my aft off." The lazy bum. He was working as a body guard but lately nobody was hiring him. That's why Chromia had to work in her dead end, no good job.

_POP!_

"Didn't know you left a list." Ironhide turned back to the television.

Chromia stomped over to the television's projector, and turned it off. "You can do the list now."

Ironhide huffed as he sat up. "Chromia, I'm tired."

"You're tired? I had to work in customer services today because a newbie didn't show up! Do you know how bad those slagging high castes are when they don't get what they want? They're awful! I had to deal with bots like that all orn! And here you are, sitting your aft on the couch, which you probably haven't moved from all day, and you're going to complain about how tired _you_ are?"

Ironhide sighed. "Fine." He stood up. "Where's the list?" _POP!_

"Table." Chromia sighed as he sat down on the couch. Soon, Ironhide walked back into the room, broom in servo, and he started cleaning.

_POP!_

Chromia sighed.

_POP!_

Chromia took a deep breath, as she stood up. "Forget it! I'll clean!"

Ironhide glanced up from cleaning and raised an optic ridge. "What?"

Chromia reached out her servo. "Just hand it over."

Ironhdie cautiously handed the broom to his mate, as he sat back down on the couch. Chromia sighed as the room filled with silence.

_POP!_

She snapped. "POP THAT SLAGGING GUM ONE MORE TIME!"

Ironhide raised an optic ridge, as he blew a bubble and-

_POP!_

Chromia stomped over to the wall, ripping the blaster off it's pedestal. She aimed, and fired twice. Both shots hitting dead in the center of the mech's helm. "You chew gum, slagger. You don't pop it."

* * *

The enforcer glanced over to his partner after the femme told the story. "And You terminated him, because he was popping gum?"

"You weren't there."

The enforcer nodded. "No, I wasn't."

"So, how can you say you wouldn't do the same?" Chromia smirked, a smug look on her face.

The enforcer opened his mouth to say something, only to close it in loss of words. His partner rolled his optics. "You're going to prison."

"Worth it."


	2. SINGLE MY AFT

**A/N: My dad just opened my door without knocking and says. "I want you to take out the trash." so I turned slowly in my chair to face him, ironhide in my lap, (Fighter taught him to do that) and said, "This I cannot do."  
**

**My father rolled his eyes. "Just do it."**

**"Father, we've knon each other many years, but this is the first time you've you asked me to take out the garbage. I remember the last time you invited me to wash the dishes, even though it was your job, but let's be frank here : I'm not washing them."**

**"That was a good parody of the god father, Ninja, but wash the dishes."**

**"Mom asked you to do it."**

**My father groaned and ran with his tail between his legs. The dishes still haven't been washed.**

**REVIEWS**

**Answerthecall: XD Thanks. I was just thinking about it one day, and it took a while to decide whether or not it was worth getting out of bed for. XD**

**Autobotschic: XD It's fine! Ironhide can take it! Death I mean. He take death... XD I love the sound of gum popping! Whether it's me or not!**

**Zrexheartz: XD I hope so! Chromia is just a time bomb waiting to explode!**

* * *

Moonracer smiled as the big green mech stared at himself in the mirror. "Don't you like fine today, Springer."

Springer, the love of her life. Every time she thought about the big mech it made her smile. They met a convenience store. He asked her if she was single, she said yes, of course. She asked him if he was single, and he gave her a dreamy smile before puring "As single as you are." She couldn't help but giggle.

Springer smiled at his reflection. "I do, don't I?" He turned around before wrapping his arms around her. "But not as fine as you."

She let out a giggle before pushing him away. "Go to work, Slagger."

* * *

Moonracer smiled as the sound of the unit's door filled the room. "Welcome back!" She called as she sat the highgrade on the table.

Springer peeked into the room and smiled. "I can always count on you, can't I?"

"Sure can!"

The two drank the highgrade, conversation loud, and welcome. Springer told Moonracer all about his patrols. He was an enforcer, all his stories were exciting, especially to Moonracer. The two finished drinking, and went to recharge.

* * *

Moonracer woke up with a groan. The spot next to her empty. She checked her internal chronometer, and sighed. She missed him. He had already gone to work. She sat up with a groan before she hoped off the berth, and walked to the kitchen. She poured herself a cube of energon, and grabbed a data pad so she could download the ornly news.

She jumped as a knock filled the unit. With a frown she stood up. Nobody ever visited. She ran through the unit as the knocking grew louder. "I'm coming!" She yelled as she entered the code for the door to open. She stared at the group of smiling faces and they stared back at her.

"Can I…uh… Help you?"

The first mech smiled. "You're dating Springer, yes?"

"Um, yeah… Oh Primus… Nothing happened to him, right?"

"No, no! Nothing like that! We're his other mates."

Moonracer frowned. "Other mates?"

"He did tell you, yes?"

Moonracer stared at the group. At least six other mechs and femme stood behind the first. Moonracer sighed. She should have known he was too good to be true. She plastered a smile onto her face. "Of course he told me! Now isn't really a good time, though. I'm in a university, and I really need to write a paper. I've been procrastinating forever! How about we set up a time and place to meet. Oh! How about tomorrow?"

The lead mech frowned. "Of course. I am sorry if we burdened you."

"Oh! Ha, no not at all!" Moonracer smiled. "We can meet in the café tomorrow around mid orn?"

"Yes, that is fine!"

"Marvelous!" Moonracer hit the button for the door to close. As soon as the door was completely shut, her demeanor changed completely. A frown replaced the false smile, and a glare was etched into her face. "Single my aft."

* * *

Springer walked into the unit, a huge smile on his face. He waited for ornly welcome back greeting, but none came. "Moonracer?" He called out.

"In here! I have drinks!"

Springer smiled. She must not have heard him come in. "Great!" He walked into the kitchen and smiled as soon as he laid optics on the most beautiful femme on the planet. She sat at the table, two cubes already laid out for them. "How are you?"

Moonracer smiled. "Great, and about to be better!"

Springer smiled as he sat down, and took a long swig of his energon. "That hits the spot."

"Good." Moonracer smiled. "I flavored it this time!"

"Really?" Springer raised the cube with a frown. "I can't taste it."

"It's very subtle." Moonracer smiled as she took a sip of her energon.

Springer shrugged as chugged the rest of his. "Would you like to hear about a my day?"

"When don't I?"

"Well, I woke up, and you were still recharging. I thought it would a shame to wake such a," Springer let out a cough, "excuse me."

"Oh, don't worry, carry on."

"Right. Anyways, I thought it would such a shame to wake up a beautiful femme, so I let you recharge." Springer barely finished the sentence as he started coughing again. His vision became blurry. "Woah."

Moonracer smiled. "Are you alright?"

"I, uh, I'm not fe-" Springer broke out into more coughs.

"No, I don't think you would be feeling well. Maybe I should tell you about my day." Moonracer smiled as Springer fell out of his chair in a coughing fit. "Well, I woke up, and I was about to download the ornly news when a knock at our door came! It was a lovely group of bots. Very nice."

Springer struggled to get intakes as he looked up at the table wearily.

"There were seven or eight of them. They all claimed to be your mates." Moonracer stood up, and scowl on her face. "Single my aft. Have fun in the pit, Fragger."

* * *

The two enforcers sighed as they walked out of the interrogation room. "Poison, really?"

The other enforcer shrugged. "It happens. I just never thought it would be Springer. We're going to lock that glitch up for a while. Maybe even get her the death penalty."

"Never been one for the death penalty."

"Eye for an eye mech."


	3. TEN TIMES

**A/N: This one is a little short so I thought I'd just go ahead and update it. XD  
**

* * *

Firestar whistled as she carefully mixed the energon. Her mate, Windcharger , enjoyed flavored energon, but he only liked fresh flavors. The bane of Firestar's existence, Fresh flavorings. She had to use an energon blade to cut the cubes of flavorings into smaller pieces. If the flavorings weren't in small enough pieces, they wouldn't disintegrate right.

She jumped as the door flew open, and windcharger stalked through the room. "You're fragging the delivery guy!"

Firestare stared at him in shock. "What? That's ridiculous!" She was totally fragging the delivery guy.

"YOU ARE FRAGGING THE DELIVERY GUY!"

* * *

The enforcers stared at the femme. "And he ran into your energon blade?"

"Ten times." Firestar added.

"He ran into your energon blade… ten times?"

"yes."

"And that's your story?"

"Yes."

The enforcer groaned. "Nobody is going to believe that."

"It's the truth."

"Sure it is." The enfocer stood up, shaking his helm. "Your trial is next decaorn. Good luck."

* * *

The enforcer groaned as the femme, Firestar, walked out of the station. She was found innocent. What was wrong with this universe?


	4. INNOCENT

**A/N:YUP!**

**REVIEWS**

**Autobotschic: (Ch 2.) XD Noooo! Not the plot bunnies! XD You're going to hate this chapter. **

**Ch. 3: XD There is nothing wrong with this! XD Nothing at all!**

* * *

Elita-One couldn't breathe. She felt her intakes try to make it in to cool her ever heating system, but they never made it. The scene in front of her was just… just… NO! Elita turned away as a sob racked her frame. "No!"

An enforcer slowly walked up behind her. "Elita-one?"

"What?"

"I'm sorry." He grabbed one of her servos, pulling it behind her back. "You're under arrest for the murder of Optimus Prime…."

"NO!" Elita pulled against the enforcer as he continued talking. "IT WASN'T ME!" The enforcer finally grabbed her second servo and pulled it behind her back with the first. "STOP! IT WASN'T ME! NO, PLEASE PRIMUS NO!"

* * *

Elita sat silently in the interrogation room. A table sat in front of her with a cube of energon. She sat in a chair, her servos in her lap as she gazed blankly at the table. She barely gave notice when an enforcer walked into the room. "Elita." He greeted.

"Enforcer Crowbar." She replied quietly.

Crowbar slammed a holocube on the table, and flipped it on. An image of Optimus laying on the ground in a pool of life energon around him flashed into the air. Elita felt her optics burn with energon. "Stop."

"Stop?" Crowbar nodded. "Is that what he asked you and your lover before the two of you chopped his helm off?"

"I don't know what you're talking about!"

Crowbar changed the image. A picture of Optimus Prime's severed helm sat on top of his desk. "STOP IT!" Elita yelled. "You sick fragger! TURN IT OFF!"

"We have all the evidence, Elita. Your lover," He changed the image again, " Ultra Magnus, held Optimus Prime down while you took your blades, and cut his helm off! If anybody is a sick fragger it is you!"

"It wasn't me! Where is Ultra Magnus, do you have him too?"

Crowbar turned to the next image. Ultra Magnus was slumped back at his desk, energon seeping down from a whole in the side of his helm. "No…"

"Give up. He wrote it all in the suicide note."

"I did not terminate Optimus!" Elita yelled. "I would never! I was unhappy, and feeling neglected, but I would NEVER kill him!"

"You have one way of showing your love, don't you, Elita?" Crowbar stood up, walking around the table. "Chopping off the helm of your mate." He whispered in her audial. "Making your own lover hold him down."

"IT WASN'T ME!"

"Your trial is next deca-orn. We'll see how well that plead holds." Crowbar picked up the holocube. "It won't by the way." He smiled to Elita.

* * *

Elita stood on the huge platform. "I'm innocent! I would never do anything to harm the mech I love!"

"You loved him?" The Prosecutor asked. "You show your love by having a lover on the side?"

"No! I was… Optimus was always busy! He had no time for anything but himself! I was lonely, neglected!"

"Surely you knew that going into the relationship with a PRIME!"

"I was with him before he was Prime!" Elita yelled. "I love him!"

"Sure. Have you seen the letter Ultra Magnus wrote?"

"No." Elita answered. "I haven't."

"It says, and I quote, 'Elita had me old the Prime down as she used her energon blade to hack of his helm. I knew it was wrong, but as the emotions swept over myself, I couldn't stop her, or myself. I was wrong. She was wrong, and I'll never forgive myself, or her.' Explain that."

"I broke things off with him. He couldn't accept it!"

"Do you have any proof of this?"

"N…no."

"Of course not." The Prosecutor turned to council. "Council, as representative of the planet, I ask for the punishment of execution to the defendant. It is obvious as seen in the letter from her lover, and the presence of her blade at the crime scene that she is responsible for the death of Optimus Prime!"

"Granted."

Elita felt her spark freeze. "No! I DIDN'T DO IT! I'M INNOCENT!"

"Take her away from here." The leader of the council waved her servo.

"NOO!"

* * *

"AIM!" The voice was like Primus. Booming through the arena as shooters lifted their guns.

Elita stared at the line of shooters in front of her. Each one had their guns aimed on her. And for what? A harmless fling? She didn't kill Optimus Prime. She didn't kill Orion Pax! She loved him! She loved him. Elita offlined her optics.

"FIRE!"

Elita's optics onlined. A smile washed over her face as she stood up. "Optimus!"

Optimus smiled as he opened his arms. "Welcome to the well."

"I'M SORRY!" She ran to him, and wrapped her arms around his waist. "I am so sorry! I know it was wrong, cheating on you!"

"I forgive you."

"You shouldn't."

"You cheated on me, Elita. You didn't kill me."


End file.
